Category: Archive

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Ten Cruelest April Fools’ Day Jokes

From the politically incorrect to the outrageously illegal, here are ten we don’t recommend.


10. Put an item on the company intranet honoring the employee who got the most use out of the EAP this year.


9. Announce a mandatory company meeting for late in the day April 19, the first night of Passover.


8. Require all applicants to retake the SAT.


7. Start charging per flush.


6. Tell the CEO you’ve scheduled a fact-finding trip for the two of you to evaluate a merger candidate in Chechnya.


5. Add health benefit: a scale in the copier room.


4. Borrow a border-control car from the INS and park in the company lot.


3. Announce to employees that three years ago you invested everyone’s pension money in Yahoo and then later tell them you were just kidding.


2. Claim that it’s “retro month” and the minimum wage has been rolled back to $2.15/hour.


1. Change the hold music on the phone to Madonna repeatedly singing “American Pie.”

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Stretching Retention with Flexible Scheduling

Ever heard someone say there aren’t enough hours in a day? Well, you can’t create more, but here are some ways to come close:


1. Reward your starts by giving them more flexibility and more perks. A grocery store chain in Michigan lets its top performers pick their own schedules, which include an option to work three, 13-hour days a week. It’s a shift that’s proven to be popular.


2. Set higher productivity goals for employees, then offer them generous amounts of time off if they exceed the goals. For example, they can go home at 3 p.m. for the rest of the month if they hit the goals. This works particularly well with sales teams.


3. Give employees a chance to attend classes during the day if they are working toward a college or advanced degree. Many new graduates are looking for jobs that let them build new skills through continuing education.


4. Let employees work at home. For example, a bank that has problems staffing a 24-hour call center, especially during unpopular work hours such as 6 to 9 a.m., can let its top performers telecommute.


5. Allow employees to set their schedules according to the time of year that they need the most time off. An employee who coaches Little League and football might want to work 60 hours a week in the winter and 35 hours a week during spring and summer.

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To All E-mailers From Todd

To:. All e-mailers


From: Todd


Subject: Forward This Article Around For Good Luck!


Apparently, in the early days of the digital age, some people in the defense department were worried about a new form of communication under development: E-mail.


Their concern decades ago was that this invention would increase productivity so much that it would make many humans largely obsolescent. We’d be A) so efficient that B) we won’t even work anymore.


Well, they got the second part right. We’re not working anymore, because all we’re doing is e-mailing. In taking a look at some the correspondence that comes into this site, as well as personal e-mails I receive at home, several observations come to mind:


  • E-mail is apparently often sent while the sender is drowning in a large pool of rapidly circulating water. In many e-mails, several subjects are often combined into one breathtaking freefall, winding up something like this:

I’m merging with another company and they’re in the Netherlands and we have two different benefits plans and several hundred employees who are unhappy we need to keep them from leaving what do we do. Please respond by tomorrow if you can.


  • For some reason, people will ask a question over e-mail they’d be too embarrassed to ask in person. This type of thing:

Todd, I’m the CEO of a rapidly growing Internet company in Denver. I was wondering if I should be paying the minimum wage or if there is some sort of exemption for that particular requirement.


  • E-mail humor is one of the lower forms of entertainment.

Last night I received an e-mail with the ubiquitous subject line, “this one is really funny!” Messages labeled as such rarely are.


About once a month, I receive an e-mail with directions to forward it 15 other people, in order that good luck will come. Such messages are often accompanied by long lists of reasons we’re lucky to be alive, such as the ability to forward e-mail. If good luck means ticking off 15 other people, these messages function as advertised.


  • E-mail is taking away our ability to converse like we once did. Marcey, a former college friend, recently e-mailed from her new apartment. The purpose of the e-mail was to tell me her new eFax number. As you may know, eFax enables me to send a fax from a fax machine, and have that fax translated into an e-mail attachment she can then read. This is an old, close friend, who I actually used to have long conversations with. Now I’m supposed to fax her? What should I fax? Documents?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no e-mail cynic. E-mail is saving companies millions of dollars in direct mail costs, and also helping them communicate more personally with their customers. E-mail is allowing people to telecommute rather than disrupt their family lives by relocating. E-mail is enabling multinational companies to receive wireless reports from areas of the world where even phone service is unavailable. We get letters from one member of this site who works in a remote part of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska.


E-mail has enabled business people to contact other business people from around the world who share their same company size and industry, as people do through the “Member Network” database found on this site.


Yes, I’m still a big fan of e-mail. If you want to talk about it, give me a call.




Other columns by Todd Raphael:

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Holidays Some Minor Revisions

The American holidays are like the city of Los Angeles–little more than a patchwork quilt, created over decades, with little strategic planning, rhyme or reason added to the mix.


We’ve tried our best to honor our great leaders, treasure our parents, and recognize those who have sacrificed for us, all without giving us too many days off of school and work.


Now that we lie squarely in the lull between President’s Day and Memorial Day, the longest work stretch of the year, I thought it was high time to revisit that holiday mix. We proceed:


BIRTHDAYS


We need to reverse the entire celebration process. You really don’t deserve any presents on your birthday, because you didn’t do a whole lot to make it happen. On birthdays, everyone should have a party for their mother, and she should receive the presents. How long do the festivities last? As long as the labor.



MOTHER’S DAY


Sorry mom. We’re not giving you two of your own. This one’s kaput.



COLUMBUS DAY


Normally, I’d say we should end this one, too. After all, Indian tribes had been here for hundreds of years, and we’re taking a day off because Columbus accidentally crashed into Haiti? Then again, Columbus is my beloved hometown, and a city so representative of all of America that much of the country’s market research is done there. If we’re not sure if Columbus Day should remain, let’s take a poll.



JULY 4TH


Watermelon, parades, baseball, hot dogs, fireworks, and high school marching bands. Don’t ever let it change.



THANKSGIVING


If we really want to appreciate how lucky we are to have food, why do we stuff incredulously unnecessary amounts of it down our throats, food which could provide meals for days to the hungry? Let’s have a national fast on Thanksgiving. Maybe then we’ll understand the pain of going to bed hungry, one that lingers on for an incredibly large percentage of people in the richest country on earth.



MARTIN LUTHER KING JR DAY and ELECTION DAY


Let’s combine them. By giving everyone the day off work to vote, we’ll increase voter turnout and honor Reverend King’s greatest legacy.



GRANDPARENT’S DAY


The greeting-cardsmakers done right by creating this one. Our grandparents ended the depression, saved us from the Nazis, built our highways, and helped improve race relations. If you are lucky enough to have your parents’ parents still alive, count your blessings, and include in those prayers the hope you will do as much for your offspring as they did for us.



NEW YEAR’S EVE


I’m tired of people saying that they’re “not going to make a big deal out of New Year’s, because it’s just another day.” I wish it were true, but it’s not. Do Harry and Sally break up, get back together, break up again and get back together ever other day? Are cab rides always free? As long we have Dick Clark, we’ll have New Year’s, and that’s forever. Pass the Chex mix.



VALENTINE’S DAY


When you’re a little kid, this is a day when all the boys buy Valentines for the whole class, and all the girls buy Valentines for the whole class. For some reason, for adults, this has become a day where the onus is on men to buy flowers and expensive dinner for women, and if they don’t, the remote control hits the fan. Let’s keep the elementary school rule and extend it to all ages. Both men and women should buy Valentines for all their friends, regardless of gender, or buy none at all. A bag of 20 or 30 little Valentine cards costs only a few bucks, a small price to pay to tell all those important in your life how you feel about them.



CHRISTMAS


Two years ago, I received from a relative a red box with absolutely nothing in it. Inside I placed things of importance to me–compliments from a former track coach, photos of a cute niece half-buried in a sand castle, and more. Each Christmas, each of us should buy two boxes, fill them with inexpensive toys, knick-knacks, and snacks, and give them to two children, one of our own, and one we’ve never met. Once the little whippersnappers devour the Pez and lose the toys, they’ll still have a reminder that someone cares. Everyone should have a box.




Other columns by Todd Raphael:

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Recruiting From Within

The tightest labor market in more than three decades is forcing employees to use crafty, creative and sometimes downright bizarre measures for finding enough qualified workers. Fortunately, often at least some of a company’s recruiting problems can be ameliorated in-house–by networking with the employees already within the company.


Below, five tips on starting your employee search in your own backyard:


  1. Always pay above your industry average. Low salaries are an invitation for employees to look elsewhere.
  2. Post all new job opportunities internally. Someone you might not have considered could be perfect for the position. This also shows employees you’re giving them an opportunity to get ahead.
  3. Recruit spouses of current employees, or look to them for referrals. Don’t forget referral bonuses.
  4. Call your company’s job hotline and critique it. Is it easy to use, or does it waste the caller’s time? Does the voice on the other end of the line sound friendly? Bored? Indifferent?
  5. Ask employees for names of people they loved working with at their previous jobs. Then find out if those people want to work for you.

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IDear Workforce -IHow Do I Retain My IT Workers

Q


Dear Workforce:


How do I retain my IT workers now that Y2K is over and they’re getting ancy?


A

Dear Longing-for-the-Bubbly:


The Y2K problem was only one aspect of what IT professionals do. There are many more opportunities for the application of IT expertise.


Show your IT employees what other work needs to be done. Help them see that there is still plenty to do, that they still have a home with your company.


Remember that these workers want challenges, they want to be busy, and they want to see results from their efforts. Make them feel wanted, not to be discarded just because we’re past Y2K.


There are hundreds of things that can be done to keep people–whether they’re IT professionals or in some other occupation. Concentrate on:


  • The work environment
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Support for people to do their jobs
  • Opportunities for growth
  • Fair compensation.

Remember that the relationship between the worker and his/her immediate supervisor is the most influential. Be sure your supervisors–at all levels–are well-trained in how to keep their good employees.


 


SOURCE: Roger Herman, CSP, CMC, The Herman Group, Greensboro, NC.


E-mail your Dear Workforce questions to Online Editor Todd Raphael at raphaelt@workforceonline.com, along with your name, title, organization and location. Unless you state otherwise, your identifying info may be used on Workforce.com and in Workforce magazine. We can’t guarantee we’ll be able to answer every question.

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Helping New Employees Succeed

Employee loyalty has gone the way of the manual typewriter. Today s frenzied labor market is producing more job-hoppers than ever. These restless employees are often encouraged to leave by jobs where there s little chance to succeed. Use these tips to provide an atmosphere of success that will enhance your retention package.


  1. Start employees off on the right foot with a strong orientation program that concentrates on what they ll be doing the first six months. Don t overwhelm them with information that has nothing to do with what they will initially be doing.

  2. Let new employees determine how much they can do. It might be more than you think they can handle, but they might surprise you and perform beyond expectations.

  3. Improve the quality of your managers by giving them formal training as soon as they are promoted. Don t be afraid of spending money on training–only to see them leave. Instead, think of what could happen if you spend no money on training–and they stay.

  4. Train select employees on how to interview job candidates. Not only is this an additional job skill, but it lets employees participate as a member of an interview team and provide valuable feedback.

  5. Provide ongoing career planning for employees. They often leave their jobs because they feel they re at a dead end.

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Keeping Policies in Line With Company Values

As a human resources professional, you have the important task of communicating company policies to employees. In the current economy, company objectives aren’t only the pride of the CEO–they’re also a key factor in employee retention. So it’s imperative that there’s no disconnect between the company’s goals and HR’s implementation of policy.


Below, some hints on how to maintain harmony between what the company says and what it does.


  • Find out what the company’s values actually are. No matter what the company’s size or industry, a statement of the company’s vision and goals should be communicated in writing and available to employees.
  • Determine whether current policies are helping or hindering the company’s mission. Policies should be reviewed regularly in the context of how they are helping employees accomplish the company’s objectives. For example, current Optimas winner Jellyvision revamped its health benefits package to a program with lower deductibles and a shorter waiting period to ease employee anxiety about coverage and to communicate an attitude of caring to the employees.
  • Be honest with everyone about HR objectives. Take time to help employees understand the hows and whys of company policy. You’ll get much farther in making policies stick if you keep an upfront, open approach. If you’re changing health care plans because costs are rising 30% (as is the case with some California plans), tell employees that’s why you’re changing.
  • Do a little audit. Get together a “focus group” of employee representing a cross-section of positions in the company. Ask them if you’re living up to the values you’ve written down. Ask them if they feel strongly enough about the organization to recommend to a friend that he or she work there. If they say no, ask why. If they say yes, ask why. Consider their answers when revising policies.

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We Track Pay Data

Just read What’s My Line Worth? Very good article. The author might be interested to learn that we track pay data of engineers by gender vs. education vs. experience and find only a 5% male-female difference (varying somewhat by length of experience).

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IDear Workforce-I What Will HR Look Like in 2020

Q


Dear Workforce:


How will Human Resources departments be structured and operate in 20 years?


— Lori Biesiada, consultant, McS Solutions, Columbus, Ohio


 


A

Dear Lori:


As we move into the future, the outsourcing trend will be seen in the human resources arena.


Several key generalists will manage the corporate human resource function, with at least one of them actively participating at the strategic level. Most of the functions such as recruiting, employment, record-keeping, and benefits administration will be outsourced, with a high level of automation using computers.


A significant portion of the company’s workforce will be contingent labor, requiring a substantially different set of skills for recruiting, negotiating, managing and servicing a very flexible workforce. A large number of workers will be independent free agents, though many of them will sell their services through an international network of brokers.


Most benefits will be self-designed and self-managed, relieving most employers from carrying this load. Since most employment arrangements will be established through individual negotiation, wage and salary specialists will play a much different role.


 


SOURCE: Roger E. Herman, CSP, CMC, The Herman Group, Greensboro, NC, February 29, 2000.


E-mail your Dear Workforce questions to Online Editor Todd Raphael at raphaelt@workforceonline.com, along with your name, title, organization and location. Unless you state otherwise, your identifying info may be used on Workforce.com and in Workforce magazine. We can’t guarantee we’ll be able to answer every question.